If you’re on a never-ending fight to find “The One”, chances are you’re going to see what you want to see. So many of us want to be in a good, healthy relationship — that’s natural. But an obsession with “The One” can lead to some big relationship mistakes, because you’re missing the signs. Don’t feel bad, so many of us have done it, but no matter how long you’ve been in a relationship, there’s always time to get out of it if you realize it isn’t want you want – and go find one that is.
If you realize that someone isn’t “The One”, don’t panic. You can handle it.”When you reach a point that you realize they aren’t “The One,” be courageous and direct,” marriage and family therapist Esther Boykin tells Bustle. “The old saying, ‘It’s not you …’ is actually a good starting point. The truth is that it’s neither of you, it’s the ‘us’ that doesn’t work.”
And how do you realize that it’s not working? While every relationship is different, there are some signs that mean it’s just not right— for anyone.
So here are seven signs someone definitely isn’t “The One”, because it’s about a lot more than just loving each other:
1. All You Have Is Passion
Yes, it’s great to have passion, so much passion that you can’t keep your hands off of each other. And you deserve that. But you need so much more. “Imagine life with this person in five to 10 years, when the excitement has worn off, and ask yourself if you have the skills and desire to compromise on the issues that are incompatible now,” marriage and family therapist Esther Boykin tells Bustle. “We like to think that love conquers all but the reality is that you need more than love to if you want a relationship to go the distance.” Make sure you’ve got a strong foundation.
2. You’re Not Yourself With Them
This might seem basic, but it’s more common than you think. “If you’re in a relationship with someone and feel like you need to censor yourself, or stifle parts of who you are to make it work, that’s a red flag that they may not be ‘The One’,” Boykin tells Bustle. I’ve watched so many friends be in relationships where they aren’t relaxed and comfortable— I’ve done the same myself. You’re just so desperate to keep your partner happy, even if you’re not. Make sure you can really be you or the relationship just isn’t worth it.
3. Your Gut Is Telling You Something
It’s amazing how we can completely ignore our own intuition, our own gut instinct, when we don’t like what it’s telling us. “Everyone has an inner voice,” Boston-based clinical psychologist Bobbi Wegner tells Bustle. “Follow it. Pay attention to the immediate feelings you have when you think of the person.” That little knot in the pit of your stomach? It knows.
4. You Disagree On The Fundamentals
You definitely want kids? Need to travel? Insist on saving money? We all have our deal breakers. And you know what, you’re allowed to have deal-breakers. “If you are in love with someone, but you question your compatibility, you need to ask yourself what types of issues you are incompatible about,” psychologist Nikki Martinez tells Bustle. “Are they deal-breakers, or are they minor concessions that you can live with never agreeing on?” If they’re deal-breakers, they’re just not the right person for you.
5. You Don’t Miss Them
“This is so normal, it weirdly slips under the radar: You’re not looking forward to seeing them,” New York–based relationship expert and author April Masini tells Bustle “When you’re feeling the love, you want to connect — whether it’s in person, electronically or by sending and receiving a love letter in the mail.” It’s great to be independent. In fact, I think spending time apart and missing each other can be great for your relationship. But if you never miss them, never feel a need to message or call them, something’s up.
6. They Shut You Down Emotionally
Emotional support is a non-negotiable. “Someone who is emotionally unavailable and seems unwilling or unable to be present with you during difficult times is unlikely to be the right one for you,” Boykin says. “A healthy relationship requires you both to be able to show up emotionally for each other, especially when things are hard.” Whether they’re apathetic or just totally self-involved, not being there to support you just isn’t OK.
7. The Trust And Respect Isn’t There
Maybe you never had it to begin with — or maybe you lost it somewhere along the way. Bottom line? If you don’t trust and respect that person, they’re not right for you. And if they don’t trust and respect you, they’re not right for you. “Once trust and respect is lost, then so is the relationship,” relationship trainer Daniel Amis tells Bustle. “In order for a relationship to be successful, it has to be built on a strong foundation, which includes trust and respect.” You’re worth it.
It can be hard to admit that a relationship isn’t working, but it’s so importantto be realistic with yourself when someone isn’t “The One”. Not only will it get you out of a bad relationship, it’ll make sure you’re open and single when someone comes along who actually deserves you.